Charade
by Pedellea
Summary: There are some days I relish in remembering a splinter of the past... most days, I just want to escape again. Colin does some thinking about his circumstances.


**TITLE**: Charade   
**AUTHOR**: Pedellea   
**E-MAIL**: pedellea@hotmail.com   
**DATE**: March 30, 2003   
**RATING**: G   
**SUMMARY**: "There are some days I relish in remembering a splinter of the past... most days, I just want to escape again." Colin does some thinking about his circumstances.   
**SPOILERS**: none   
**DISCLAIMER**: Everwood belongs to Greg Berlanti, Mickey Liddell, Everwood Utah, Inc., Berlanti Liddell Productions, and Warner Bros. Television. Thanks for creating the show!   
**AUTHOR'S NOTES**: Had to get this out of the system. Hope you enjoy. Feedback is more than appreciated, and you just might get some response for reviewing (as long as you provide an e-mail). Thanks! 

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**CHARADE**   
By Pedellea 

I don't know if I can play this charade anymore. 

I wake up to a brand new world that I supposedly once lived in, and it was preordained that I was to be with her. 

Let me get this straight - it's not that she's a repulsive person. In fact, she's beautiful, she's gentle, and she's a good companion. It's just that I don't have any feelings for her left over from my previous life. 

I don't know why I feel compelled to satisfy her needs. Maybe it's because I left her and became a constant anguish for her this past year. She tells me that she went all the way to Denver just to read books to me, play music for me, and just spend time with her comatose boyfriend. The gesture is appreciated, but frankly, I don't even have one recollection of any of that. In fact, I didn't even remember her at all when I finally came to. 

I searched my brain hard, alright. After all, if someone is this attached to you, you figure there must be some corner of the mind that still holds memories of your time spent together. But I came up with nothing, not even a tiny fragment. She is a total stranger to me. 

It's understandable that she's fighting hard to recreate the past. She's been living in the past for a long time, and no one wants to see a tide of change hit and wash away everything they've ever known. On the other hand, fate decided to cruelly strip away all that I've known, and I'm left recreating a large chunk of my life in the present. You can only handle so much in such a process. 

There are some days I relish in remembering a splinter of the past. Those around me get excited too, believing a little too quickly that they will finally get the Colin they knew back. No one really knows if that will ever truly happen, but for a while I desperately wanted that to happen. It was probably because everyone else wanted it and definitely because I was scared out of my mind, not knowing who I was supposed to be. But now, I don't really care. It would be like living a stranger's life. Hell, that's what I'm already doing. 

Most days, I just want to escape again. Whatever I had built up around me is way too complex to relearn, and what I do remember is awfully vague and hopelessly basic. I don't know if I really want to relearn it all. Oftentimes I think how cool it would be to start things afresh, with no expectations to live up to. But do I dare to break the hearts of those around me? 

I really don't know how else to act but solely on the directions of my family and my friends. And especially Amy. She has the most demanding hopes on me because I remember the least about her. I don't know why she's so persistent, or why I'm this selfless. I have a feeling that if it weren't for my amnesic condition, I wouldn't be like this. 

Everything in my life feels so feigned, so fake. Every night when I go to sleep I think that maybe I would finally wake up in the morning from this strange dream and go back to living the life that I used to live. But every day I wake up, nothing changes. It's like I'm trapped. 

I am trapped. 

Maybe I should stick it out and put up with the pressures of expectations and hope that it will all eventually come back to me. Besides, I have the relationship with Amy hanging in the balance. She's attractive and charming, and I already have her. I could stay with her for the sake of the both of us. Maybe it will amount to something in the future. 

Or maybe I should just give it all up and start everything over. It's not a common occurrence that a person is given a second chance at life. Why not start again with the clean slate I've been given? 

It's confusing to be me. Why couldn't it have been someone else? 

Maybe I should end this charade. But how? 

**THE END**

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The inspiration just hit for this story, so I had to write it before I lost it. I'm currently working on a longer piece that's taking its merry time to be written, but I like finishing my stories before posting. 

Anyway, I hope this is a somewhat accurate portrayal of Colin. I'd have to admit that I missed a few too many episodes of Everwood. Nonetheless, I hope to catch up with all the shows I missed, and that it doesn't get cancelled from CTV. 

I also hope you enjoyed the story. Please let me know what you thought about it and write a review! Thanks a bunch for reading! 


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